A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."