There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”