There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."