Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."