Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."