How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.