What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."