There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.