I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."