Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
You know what they say? Words.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”