How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.