Do you find it hard to say no to your friends and family? Is it always important to you to keep the peace at home, even if it comes at the cost of self-sacrifice? Have you taken on the challenge of helping everyone except yourself? You’re truly not alone – there are many others like you who will do anything to please the people around them. Even though your intentions are good, this habit may leave you feeling frustration and, above all, suffering, instead of enjoying life and the company of the people around you. The first step in coping with the fears that make you behave this way is to acknowledge them, and once you do, you’ll be able to move on to the next stage and change your outlook on life. We invite you to get to know 4 fears that characterize people who tend to please those around them, and to discover how you can get rid of them so you can be happy and manage to say one very important word: "No".
1. Fear of rejection or abandonment
Inside each of you – people who want to satisfy others – hides a little child who never felt loved enough, and who always feared that those close to them would reject or abandon them. In fact, you probably learned already at a young age that in order to survive in the world, you must earn the support and approval of others, and to do so you need to be nice and good to them. For example, back then you learned that you had to please not only your classmates so they wouldn’t ostracize you, but also your family members – so they wouldn’t abandon you and would always stand by your side in times of trouble; that you had to be a good student, do your homework, and clean up so your parents would be proud of you and stay with you.
A change of perspective: Think for a moment – would anyone really abandon or reject you if you behaved differently and sometimes thought about yourself? Most likely not. Many of us tend to analyze situations in an exaggerated way, thinking that others will judge us harshly even if we refuse them just once. You worked hard to build a stable, strong relationship with a particular person – do you really think it would fall apart so quickly, just because you didn’t go along with their wishes or dared to think differently from them? In this case too, the odds are that it won’t. The other person may be a little disappointed by your answer, but they will undoubtedly manage to cope with the situation, and once you internalize that their reaction is truly not your fault or your responsibility, it will be far easier for you to refuse. Set boundaries with the people around you, stand your ground, and watch how your life becomes more peaceful.
2. Fear of dealing with confrontation or anger
Has it ever happened that you agreed to do something related to a certain opinion that contradicts the one you hold – just because you were afraid to confront or upset someone? In such cases, you usually prefer to pretend everything is fine and keep the peace and harmony, even if the price is fake behavior in which you hide your opinions and what’s troubling you. However, contrary to what you probably think, this kind of behavior harms the relationship and creates a barrier that prevents it from developing and improving. Worse still, you hurt yourself – by remaining in a relationship where you don’t have a real partner who treats you properly, and as a result you feel lonely and exhausted.
A change of perspective: First, consider that the quiet you’re trying so hard to preserve – is fake and imaginary, and it causes you a great deal of tension and recurring frustration. Recall all those occasions when you came home frustrated after spending time with the very people you so want to please, yet they never stop hurting you. If you want to have an honest relationship that benefits you too, you need to know how to refuse, talk to the other person and explain what’s bothering you, however difficult that is and even if it requires confrontation on your part. A healthy relationship is one that has occasional arguments and allows anger to be released, not only one that is always positive and happy, so you really don’t have to agree to everything. Also, don’t look for quick fixes to reduce the damage of a possible confrontation; instead, look for an effective way that will help you overcome the obstacle once and for all and learn to say "No". Fed up with a friend’s behavior? Tired of obeying them? Talk to them, voice your thoughts, and try together to overcome the difficulty – if they love you, they’ll accept what you have to say.
3. Fear of criticism and of not being loved
No one likes to hear criticism or to feel unloved, especially people who love to please. Types like you rely on the opinions of others – the good and the bad – and seek approval that will make you feel better about yourself. When you hear criticism, you feel betrayed and wonder why the other person is raising it – doesn’t he know how hard you work to please him? In order to obtain others’ approval, you may sometimes behave in ways that don’t suit you and, as a result, lose who you truly are. You hide and conceal your true character behind a mask of niceness, and struggle to separate your great self-worth from your dependent behavior. Worse still, you tend to judge yourself harshly and set expectations for yourself, some of which are sky-high and not truly attainable.
A change of perspective: First, remember that you are human, and as such you’re allowed to make mistakes, stand your ground, refuse, and disappoint others; stop pretending to be perfect in order to be loved, because whoever wants to be close to you will be there anyway. If you don’t make your opinions and wishes clear to your friends and those around you, they’ll assume their behavior is fine and will therefore keep demanding that you do things that may hurt you. When you grant someone so much power, the criticism they direct at you can be devastating, but its impact stems solely from the importance you assign to their words. So remember that others’ opinions are their own private business, and that you cannot control what others think about you. The bottom line: the only person who needs to grant you their approval – is you yourself.
4. Fear of losing control or of not being needed
People who must please everyone around them feel a need to help others and make them happy, or even to control their behavior and decisions, out of a mistaken belief that it’s your responsibility to make them feel better. If you sometimes act this way, you surely felt already at a young age that you had to deal with other people’s problems and carry all their troubles on your shoulders. The reason for this behavior usually stems from the fact that you can’t bear to see your loved ones suffer, and so you feel an intense need to rescue them and to put their feelings and needs before your own. Every time you succeed at this, you feel in control and as if you have a purpose in life, but when you fail – you feel like a complete failure and as though you’ve let everyone down.
A change of perspective: With all due respect and appreciation for your good intentions, it is not your job to make others happy or trouble-free – that’s their job. You can be there for your loved ones, support them, listen to them, and encourage them – but you really aren’t supposed to rescue them, take on their troubles as your own, and lose yourself along the way. Control only what depends on you and is your responsibility, for example, your part in the relationship, and trust them to handle their own challenges. You aren’t betraying your loved ones when you occasionally refuse to help them – there are cases where there’s simply no way for you to do so, so there’s no need to try to force a helping hand. To rid yourself of the fear of refusing and losing control, you must start valuing yourself for who you are today, rather than relating to the child you once were. Moreover, remind yourself that you are not defined by the number of times you’ve helped others, and that there are many other ways to measure your worth.
A few words to wrap up...
So how do you overcome these fears and refuse to satisfy everyone? First of all, acknowledge the problem and understand where it comes from. Once you do that, it will be easier for you to adopt a new mindset that puts you at the center, ahead of everyone else. Because this is a problem rooted in childhood, various experts advise you to sit in a quiet, calm place, close your eyes, and recall all those times when you felt like an outsider in your youth; tell that little child you once were – that from the vantage point of your age you can say with certainty how loved and valued they are, and that they therefore have no reason to be afraid and try to please everyone. Give them advice to help them cope with obstacles you know lie ahead, and support them – and thereby yourself – in order to grow stronger. After that, go back to what we wrote about the fear that characterizes you, and try to change your mindset accordingly – so you can enjoy a worry-free life in which you are the star!
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