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We

I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
What would you call a power failure? A current event.

My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
First we lived in kingdoms run by Kings, then Empires run by Emperors
Now we live in Countries...
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”