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Today Jokes

Mall Pick Up Lines
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Peach Puns
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I donโ€™t know, but I feel guilty. Itโ€™s a real pit in my stomach.
Sun Pick Up Lines
Iโ€™ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Yard Puns
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Drugstore Pick Up Lines
Can I take your temperature? Youโ€™re looking hot today.
Onion Puns
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Strawberry Puns
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Garden Puns
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldnโ€™t help me โ€” my garden is a portrait.
Utensils Puns
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
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