Today Jokes

I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
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