Today

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds?
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.