What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit