A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"

After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

Funny Parenting Quotes

"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown

Password Puns

It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.

Dirty Fashion Pick Up Lines

My magic watch tells me you're not wearing any underwear.
You are? The thing must be an hour fast again.

Mountain Puns

A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"

When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.

Tiger Puns

What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."

Funny Work Quotes

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis

Funny Money Quotes

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

Travel Pick Up Lines

Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.

Funny Aging Quotes

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein

"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Want to start your day laughing? Register to our Daily Joke! Want to start your day laughing? Register to our Daily Joke!

Did you mean:

Continue With: Facebook Google

By continuing, you agree to our T&C and Privacy Policy