Pounds Jokes

Yo mama so fat she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
Yo mama so fat her shadow weighs 35 pounds.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
A Man Buys a Pig on a Farm An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”

- James Rollins.
A Respectable Man A retired Bank Manager in England takes his wife to the local town to buy a new coat and hat. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and they have a lovely drive. They can't find anywhere to park, so find a quiet street and agree that he will wait in the car and drive round the block if he spots any approaching parking attendants. He settles back into his chair, puts on a local talk radio station and starts to read the paper. After a short while there is a tapping on the car window, he looks up and sees what is obviously a prostitute motioning him to lower the window. “Fancy a ride sugar?” she asks casually. Once he recovers from his shock, he responds: “Certainly not madam, I'm a respected man about this town!” “Suit yourself.” she says and starts to walk away. “Just out of interest..." he stutters, "What would I get for a...a 20?” “TWENTY POUNDS??”, she gasps in mockery. "You won't get anything for that round here you frugal old git.” and she storms off, shaking her head. The elderly gent begins to realize the predicament he almost got himself into and slowly starts to regain his composure. A short while later his wife returns and gets back in the car. “Everything alright dear, no problems? You look a little flustered.” “None whatsoever.” he almost squeaks as a single bead of sweat forms on his head. “Good” she replies “Let's go home and I'll show you what I got!” He starts the car and is about to drive away when there is loud banging on the window. His heart skips a beat. He looks up and can’t believe his eyes, standing at the window is the hooker he spoke to earlier, she is pointing angrily at his wife and motioning him to lower the window. “Oh sweet Lord please save me.” he whispers under his breath. “You better lower the window dear,” his wife says, “something must be wrong”. As soon as the window begins to open the hooker thrusts her hand into the car, points at his elderly wife and shouts: “See? I told you won't get anything decent for 20 pounds!"
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
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