Pounds Jokes

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Yo mama so fat she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
Yo mama so fat her shadow weighs 35 pounds.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
A Man Buys a Pig on a Farm An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”

- James Rollins.
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