I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
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