Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce