The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
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