Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Metaphors be with you.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Dublin’ the fun.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
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