On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said: “We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car. Next week, same scenario - radio says: “10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.” Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ. Week three: They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…” And POOF - the power goes out! The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!” With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”

A man is doing 20 over the speed limit on the highway when a cop pulls him over. The man rolls his window down as the cop approaches, who says, "Sir, any reason you're driving so fast?" "Well," the guy says, "I've recently decided to try beekeeping, and I need to get the bees in my trunk home A.S.A.P." The officer squints. "You have bees in your trunk?" "I'm still new to bee keeping, sir. I didn't know where else to put them," he says. In disbelief, the cop says, "You're lying. Pop the trunk." "Do I have to?" the guy asks. "Do it or I'm writing you up for reckless driving and obstruction," the officer says. So the man pops the trunk. A thick cloud of angry wasps explodes out. The cop makes a break for it as they swarm him, and as he flees he cries, "You said you had bees!" And the guy leans out his window and goes, "Those aren't bees!?"

By the river, next to a farm, there sits the "black cow" of the herd, smoking weed. A beaver swims up to her and asks: ‘Hey, cow, what are you doing?’ ‘I’m smoking weed.’ said the cow. ‘Give me some; I’ve never smoked before…’ exclaimed the beaver. The cow relinquished the joint, the beaver inhaled the smoke and immediately exhaled it. The cow replies, ‘No no, not like that! Look: you’re inhaling the smoke and holding it in your lungs for a long time. Besides, swim downstream for a bit, come back here, and then exhale. And I’m telling you, you'll really enjoy it.’ They did as planned. The beaver inhaled, swam underwater to the other side of the river, and after a few moments, felt quite bizarre. He came ashore, flopped down on the grass, and slumped. A hippo approached him and asked, ‘Hey, beaver, what are you doing?’ ‘Ah, see, hippo, I’m super high…’ ‘Give me some stuff; I want some too.’ said the bored hippo excitedly ‘Swim across to the other side to the cow - she will share some with you.’ The hippo swam upstream and came ashore, and as he approached the now-napping cow, she popped her eyes open and screamed: ‘Beaver, for goodness sake, LET SOME AIR OUT!’

A cowboy was coming to the end of his life at the age of 101 years old. He great grandson visits him and asks "Grandpappy, how did you do it? You are from a time with poor health care and disease, how did you make it all the way to 101?". "Well, I dont rightly know" says the cowboy. "The only thing I can think of is every morning for breakfast I have a bowl of porridge, I take out one of my bullets, break it open and sprinkle the gunpowder over it. Maybe that did it." The young man thinks on this and decides it cant really hurt. So from that day onwards every morning he would start his day with a bowl of porridge with a spinkle of gunpowder on it. Amazingly he lived to the ripe old age of 107 years old. He left behind six children, 19 grandchildren, 74 great grand children... and a 10ft hole in the crematorium wall.