What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home