How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.