She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer