The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."