The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.