As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.