What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.