Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
The superconductor left without resistance.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.