I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Ah! The element of surprise.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.