What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked