I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Air resistance is a real drag.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.