What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Ah! The element of surprise.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."