What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.