Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.