After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.