You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.