When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.