After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny