In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.