Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.