My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.