My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Ah! The element of surprise.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.