What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Air resistance is a real drag.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.