What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Biology - It grows on you.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”