My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted