Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'