Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Biology - It grows on you.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
To get to the other tide.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.