I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.