How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.