I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.