How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.