Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.