Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!