Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.