When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.