Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Ah! The element of surprise.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!