Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.