What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.